Scariest Criminal Mug Shots (So Far)

There aren’t too many people eager to go to jail, but in case you were thinking it would be a walk in the park, consider who might be your cellmate. Imagine waking up to find one of these folks staring at you. Let’s just say they’re not going to be making People‘s Hottest Lists like some other offenders out there.

Special thanks to our friends at the Smoking Gun.

15) Geico Spokesman

Jailhouse Nickname: Missing Link
Distinguishing Features: Sloping brow; hunting and gathering tendencies
Presumed Crime: Clubbing. Literally — like, with a club.
Statement to Police:I want a lawyer. Medium rare.

 

14) Cornholio

Jailhouse Nickname: Beavis
Distinguishing Features: Complexion of someone who exfoliates with barbed wire; a forehead that would make Peyton Manning jealous
Presumed Crime: Arson
Statement to Police:Are you from MTV? Where are my residuals?

 

13) Red Neck

Jailhouse Nickname: Stretch
Distinguishing Features: Wicked mullet; giraffe-like neck; uncanny resemblance to a Pez dispenser
Presumed Crime: Inbreeding
Statement to Police:I wanna call my sister-wife and her cuz-band.

 

12) No One Can Hear You Scream

Jailhouse Nickname: Alien
Distinguishing Features: Elongated cranium; acid for blood
Presumed Crime: Chest bursting
Statement to Police:HISSSSSSSSSSS…

 

11) Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Jailhouse Nickname: Two Face
Distinguishing Features: Bipolar haircut; has a deep voice…in his head
Presumed Crime: Murdering his barber
Statement to Police:I wear a size medium jump suit, and so do I.

 

10) Never Trust a Shirtless Man

Jailhouse Nickname: Jabba
Distinguishing Features: Gelatinous torso, more hair on his back than on his head
Presumed Crime: Something requiring him to stay 100 feet away from a playground
Statement to Police:To catch a what?

 

9) Eye Spy

Jailhouse Nickname: Fatal Eye-traction
Distinguishing Features: Muppet-like eyeballs; inability to hear the word “no”
Presumed Crime: Stalking
Statement to Police:Would you like some boiled bunny?

 

8) Penmanship

Jailhouse Nickname: Sharpie
Distinguishing Features: Magic marker beard; Rob Zombie posters on his cell wall
Presumed Crime: Huffing anything huffable
Statement to Police:Never buy your Halloween costume at the 99 Cent Store.

 

7) Lighten Up

Jailhouse Nickname: Smiley
Distinguishing Features: Bloated Cuba Gooding Jr. face; surprisingly tender lover
Presumed Crime: Punching kittens
Statement to Police:I’m trepidatious that the squalid nature of this penal facility will adversely impact my hypersensitivity to allergens.

 

6) Inky

Jailhouse Nickname: Unemployable
Distinguishing Features: Is left-handed
Presumed Crime: Organizing a “Tats for Tots” event
Statement to Police:What, do I have something on my face?

 

5) Headbanger

Jailhouse Nickname: Machette
Distinguishing Features: Porn ‘stache; ’80s heavy metal hair; willingness to kill at the drop of a dime
Presumed Crime: Stuffing orphans in a wood chipper
Statement to Police:Do you like my ear necklace?

 

4) Grizzly Adams

Jailhouse Nickname: Amy
Distinguishing Features: Receding hairline; arched monobrow; aroma of sardines and antipsychotics
Presumed Crime: Something out of Deliverance
Statement to Police: “Who’s up for some Dueling Banjos?

 

3) Meow?

Jailhouse Nickname: Lion-O
Distinguishing Features: Can see in the dark, thanks to a back-alley cat eye transplant
Presumed Crime: Leading a mass cult suicide
Statement to Police:You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Really, I wanna know, because I can’t see anything.

 

2) Highway to Hell

Jailhouse Nickname: Pretty Boy
Distinguishing Features: “666” face tattoo; six implanted balls in forehead; nasal septum piercing; Dora the Explorer tramp stamp
Presumed Crime: Sacrificing virgins
Statement to Police:Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?

 

1) “Cheese”

Jailhouse Nickname: Ladies’ Man
Distinguishing Features: Complete facial paralysis; a disturbing aversion to Poligrip
Presumed Crime: Scaring candy from babies
Statement to Police:All I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth. And a chainsaw.

 

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