The High Priest of Criminal Justice Turns 69 Today

Unless you have been living under a rock or in a cave for the past 10 years, you should know who I am referring to.  And if you say “Charles Bronson”, go to the back of the class, put on your dunce cap and hide in the corner, and hope that the other Chuck doesn’t pay you a visit.

Chuck Norris is 69 years old today and if that doesn’t make you feel like time is passing without you noticing, I don’t know what will. The guy is almost 7 decades old!!  He’s been kicking ass for so long, it’s silly to think about… So in honor of Chuck Norris, and to truly demonstrate the power of Twitter, I am listing a random sampling Chuck Norrisisms harvested from the ChuckNorris channel. Aw yeah, technology rocks!

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris tried to use Twitter, but his first tweet broke the internet.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element he recognizes is the element of surprise.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person to beat a brick wall at tennis.

If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, he has more money than you.

Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from from March 31st to April 2nd. NO ONE fools Chuck Norris.

Did you know he can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves?

There is no theory of evolution, only a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live…

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

When Freddie Krueger goes to sleep, he dreams of Chuck Norris.

Who watches the Watchmen? Chuck Norris Watches the Watchmen.

Chuck Norris was originally approached by FOX to play the role of Jack Bauer, but the show would’ve had to be renamed 1.

Chuck Norris does not “style” his hair. It lies perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up. He’s pushing the Earth down.

Lots of people wear Superman pajamas… Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn’t get wet; the pool gets Chuck Norrissed.

Chuck Norris was bit by a king cobra and after 9 days of excruciating pain, the king cobra died.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 0.99 every time he listens to a song!

Even at 69 he can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn’t kill women.

Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris – the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris’ first job was a paperboy. There where no survivors.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked it so hard it became a Wendy’s.

Now admittedly, when you crowdsource a list, there are diamonds and there are cubic zirconia. Favorites? Mine: “Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element he recognizes is the element of surprise.”

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